Hate Blog;

I HATE,
My brothers.
Lazy days where Facebook is your only escape.
Living so far away from all my friends, but knowing that I'll be back in a month. (I mean really, why move down if I'll just be moving back up again??)
My mom's mother.
My insecurities.
Running out of gas.
Unpacking boxes.
Forgetting where you packed something & having to go through at least sixty boxes to find it.
That my boss can make me feel worthless.
That I'm scared to go to work on Tuesday.
That I don't know what to expect in my life anymore.
The lack of stability in everything.
That I lie.
That I hook up.
That I judge.
That I show-off.
Adjusting to new situations.
Being the reason for my own heartbreak.
That, at the moment, I'm the only responsible one in my entire house.
Not knowing the difference between love and lust.
That my friends make jokes about me being a slut-skank-hobag.
That sometimes I AM a slut-skank-hobag.
That I'm sure half of the guys I've liked have only liked me BECAUSE I hook up.
That the reason I hook up is so deeply rooted that I can't seem to fix it.
That I can't say no.
That I feel like I don't know myself.
That I'm afraid to be myself around most boys I have feelings for.
That sometimes I feel alone.
That I don't think I can ever be happy.
That I feel like the only place I can truly be myself is in this blog.

Well, that's me. And there's too much stuff that I hate. Probably because I'm being pessimistic at the moment what with the apparently meaningless hookup I've been participating in for the past 3 weeks. Whatever. It's over. The intentions were skewed from the very start, and I knew that. I knew it, and I didn't say anything about it. Because let's face it, he was a sweetheart. He still IS a sweetheart. Definitely not the kind of person you expect to be capable of such treachery. But he's a Gemini. And so am I. The Twin brings two personalities to the table, in the most non-schizophrenic way. Mine are complete opposites. Well, not so much. Happiness and Anger, I think. I never would have suspected that his were what they were. But oh well. That's life, right?

God, how I hate that expression. "That's life." No, life is the scientific nature of any living thing where there is animate existence of a corresponding state that is conceived as belonging to the soul. Life is not defined as the shitty experiences that happen from time to time, but rather demonstrated there. Maybe not ONLY demonstrated there, but that's where we decide to recognize it the most. Why is that? Why do we only recognize life in its worst form? Why are we influenced to look at the negatives and take note of them, rather than embrace the positives and live them to the fullest? It's so confusing. But I guess that's..life.

I guess that's most of the noteworthy stuff. I would rather not go into detail about the incident at TLG on Thursday, but it almost cost me my job. Luckily with text-groveling (that Martin so willingly drafted for me) I was able to salvage my job. But at what cost? The fun has been sucked out and replaced my fear and reluctance. And pressure. Tons of pressure. Maybe too much to bear. I don't know, we'll wait until the end of the Winter/Spring semester to figure that one out.

Side note, a relationship was rekindled then dismantled in a little over 24 hours. I guess I was wrapped up in the promise of it all, and I didn't realize the real glitches until I woke up the next morning with a knot in my stomach just thinking about it. I know you read this blog, and I know you're probably not going to understand this. But I don't know myself. I have a real problem saying no. Oh, I should add that to the list. Alright. Well, I need to find out who I am and why I'm the way I am. So that I know what to stick to when it IS time for a relationship. I want you to be that guy too, but I don't know if you can be or if you will be. As you said, we don't know the future. And I have no idea what it holds for me, just what I know I want.

On that note, I think I should conclude this blog with what I love.

I LOVE,
My mother.
Watching movies in bed.
Cuddling.
That I have friends who don't judge me for who I am (Chelsea Mariko, Corryn Jordan Natilee).
That my grandparents would let a crazy 17-year-old girl stay with them for a year.
That my family truly loves me.
My new house, despite the heat.
Venus Embrace razors.
Music.
Dancing like no one's watching.
My stubbornness.
Oliver James and Vivienne Rose.
Working at The Little Gym.
Seeing a child's face light up when they do something right.
Babies.
Toddlers.
Even kids in that awkward 6-9 age.
My gym boyfriends who will love me unconditionally & never leave Miss Tierra (unless it's for Mister Martin or Miss Joy).
The one guy who actually loved me.
Trying to be myself. Outside of this blog..