So it's a 4-day weekend, and of course I'm sick. Just like that FaceBook group, "this WOULD happen to me." It's absolutely terrible. Doing all I can to get over it by tomorrow, and luckily it's working like a charm. But it also makes me wonder if this is karma. I mean in the past few weeks I haven't exactly been myself. I've flirted, kissed, danced, and flirted some more. I guess my illness is just compensation for all the promiscuous things I've been up to. But I've decided to turn over a new leaf. No jumping into relationships with guys I hardly know, and absolutely no hooking up with them, either. I've been through all the heartbreak and paranoia and exhaustion of getting worked up over a guy after hooking up, and it's just not worth it in the end. There's no long-term benefits of just seeing a guy to "hit it and quit it." And I think now I fully realize that. But there will be a little method to my madness: if I can spend all day just sitting around daydreaming about a guy and picturing myself being with him (strange, I know, but girls do these things) then I might consider him for a relationship. But if I can't, and I just like him because he's cute, then it's not worth my time. There wouldn't have been anything beneficial resulting from it anyway. And at the moment, there aren't any guys that are inspiring any daydreams, so I'll have to cross my fingers and hope that some guy will come along when I'm finally ready.
In the meantime, my friends have all been going through some emotional struggles. Megan with her breakup, Chelsea with her friends, Molly with her school, me with my own struggles, and everybody else with everything else. It's been mayhem throughout Southern California. Depression has swept through, taken its toll, and left us all in its wake. Luckily, when you really care about how someone feels you can help them overcome all their hardships. Megan took some convincing, but she's much better and I couldn't be happier for her:) Chelsea's strong enough to confront her problems head-on, and Molly's problems are over for the time being. I, on the other hand, am not quite sure where I stand. I did something stupid this week. Something I really should not have done. I regret it, and I even knew it was wrong at the time. I guess I just couldn't stop it from happening. In my mind it would have happened differently. He would have tried, and I would have told him off to his face, telling him how he never really changed in the first place, then gotten into my car and just driven off. But hindsight is 20/20, right? I've done stupid shit like this before, and when you own up to it, it disappears. Or people just don't seem to care anymore. It's sickening that when the newest piece of gossip arrives, it's only bad because people make it seem that way. What you did never changes. The only thing that matters is how you react when its mentioned. I believe that people have this radar that perceives your reactions, and if you try to shy away from what you did like it will be the death of you,they will just talk about it longer. But if you confront it from the very beginning and own up to it, the torture never lasts long. So I guess I'll have to wait until the moment of truth comes to see how I well I perform under pressure.
For the past few weeks, I've been feeling guilty. But I can't exactly understand why. I didn't do anything particularly wrong, but it might be because of some of the interactions I have with people. Namely, my closest friends. When I was growing up, I lived in a house full of boys. Rough boys. So I always had to fight to defend myself, or it would be my downfall. Even when we were civil to each other my brothers and I would still fight. And I think some of this violence has transferred itself into my friendships. Especially with Chelsea. Whenever she says something mean to me (which happens quite often) I usually retaliate with a push or by playfully hitting her. I guess I'm starting to realize that I shouldn't act this way around people, even if I do mean well. Isn't that how abusers start off?? I'm not like that with anyone else except people I love to death as friends. But hey, the first step is acceptance.
Alright, my slate's clean. I could not talk about anything else if I tried. I need to get some rest and drink some tea so I can see my babies tomorrow:) I love them more than anything, and I don't want to get them sick while I'm babysitting them, so I need to get better like now. A bien tot et au revoir, mes amis<3
superstars of the week:
Chelsea Parlett
Molly Crawford
Megan Merda
Maxwell Oglevee
Madame Schmitz
Briana Ziff
song of the week:
"Hurtful" by Erik Hassle
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