Count Dracula

It ceases to amaze me at how SICK I am of being here. Not like the "ohh my life sucks I'm going to commit suicide to make everyone know how much I've suffered" kind of thing. If anything, I'd keep taking this pain just to spite them. As the time I'm forced to spend here diminishes, along with my privileges, I'm noticing how hard it is to stay happy and pleased with the way my life is going. As of right now, I have no car, no phone, and I'm being forced to move in with my mother in Temecula. Ohh joy! 85 days until I'm 18, 114 days until I graduate. It seems like NOTHING, and yet the days continue to drag on. I cannot stand it. Literally counting the days.

I apologize,

I haven't blogged in so long. But as I sit here in AP Psych, there's nothing that I can think to talk about. Should it be all of the ridiculously unnecessary stress I've been feeling for the past week? No, that's subject to too much pain & resentment towards my family. Hmm, what about my anxiety to him meeting my mother? Nope, that will just worry me about the situation. I'm sure he'll do perfectly, and she'll adore him like I do. Or at least I hope. Instead, I can't stop thinking about where I'll be a month from now. By then, I'll have received acceptance or denial from UCLA and UC Berkeley. By then, I'll have to figure out what I'm planning on doing for the rest of my high school career--who I'll hang out with, how I'll spend my time, whether or not I plan to do any more homework. By then, I'll have to know if I still want to be with him. I think I will. But these hopes and wishes might be a little premature.

On a different note, three months and two days until I'm an adult and capable of making my own decisions without answering to anybody else. Bring it on.

And then,

It all comes crashing down.


The highest highs are always followed by the lowest lows.

Getting closer to adulthood is both exhilarating and frightening. I have a long 5 months to go, but I can't help thinking about it as my closest friends reach this milestone. Now, I have a little control. Less, if I think about it. I have to answer to two different authorities, one who isn't even present. It's easier to get around, but of course my guilt makes it impossible. If I'm with him when I know I shouldn't be, the anxiety builds up in my stomach because of my incapability to lie. Which always results in me getting in trouble. 
I feel like I'm rambling and not making any sense.
In that case, he's frustrating me. But then he does something to make up for it. And then it starts all over again. And I don't know why I'm frustrated. Well, yes I do. But I don't want that to be the reason.

Curb

For some reason, I think I only blog when something goes wrong. But this isn't the case anymore. I'm not going to say I've never been happier, because that's not true. But I like the way things are going right now. There's no I-hate-my-life rants that I feel like going on right now. Although I think it's sad that my happiness is practically codependent on whether or not I'm with someone. Which I am. Somewhat. 
I don't understand why it makes me so happy. Or why it makes other people so upset. Like this one person in particular. And why he refuses to tell me why he's upset. Whatever, he'll get over it.
Anyway, I just wanted to set the record straight. I am NOT some broken soul who just sits around sulking all day, as is represented in my blog posts. I'm happy, and right now that's all that matters.
:)

I guess I now believe all of those things my brothers constantly told me to be true.
And all the things that other people say about me.
And the way I've always felt inside.
And that all of this would never come true.

I just need to have a good cry.

The Question Blog.

WHO
Who are you anymore?
Who gave you permission to just walk all over me like that?
Who does HE think he is?!
Who says I can't do this?
Who makes these rules?
Who can I really trust?


WHAT
What am I supposed to do without you?
What makes you think I'm okay?
What gives you the right to do this to me?

WHEN
When will I finally feel comfortable around you?
When can we put all of this behind us?
When can we start over?


WHERE
Where do I turn now?


WHY
Why can't you see the reason I do the things I do?
Why does this all have to be so complicated?
Why can't everybody just go back to the way things were?
Why is everything so fucked up?
Why don't you want to be with one person?
Why can't that one person be me?
Why do I care so much about what happens to you?
Why do you have to be with him?
Why is he such an asshole?
Why doesn't he notice me?
Why can't he see the effort that I'm making?
Why do you hate me?
Why do I have to remember?


Questions constantly fill my mind; the answers are what I'm most afraid of.

Lost & Found

There are times when I find myself sitting here by myself, wondering how it happened. How did it end up like this? Six mere months ago, I thought I had it all. A wonderful boyfriend, great friends, and a fun-loving attitude? And what do I have to show for it now? None of those things, and a two-month lapse in my blogging (sorry).
Maybe it was the summer. Yes, probably. Will broke up with me about 4 days after school ended. I was indifferent at the time, but I'm starting to feel nostalgic, despite myself. We'll get to that later..
Anyway, we broke up. He was my link to that world. The world that I would not be involved in otherwise. The world that included my "friends" who were there for the good times, and only SOME of the bad. So I stopped seeing most of them. Sure, I still hung out with a few, but as soon as I got another boy, things took a different turn.
When THAT ended--just like the others--my friends chose him over me. It was at that point when I could no longer be supportive & attempt to preserve our friendship. 
It might have also been the moving to Temecula. Yes, I think that's it. At least, that's the reason that both of the "relationships" failed. And when I needed to work for the Little Gym, I practically lived at Corryn's house, making me closer to her & our mutual friends.
Then school starts again, and I feel lonelier than ever. The fact that I live practically alone might also contribute to this, but I just always felt like no one was there for me. I couldn't talk to anyone, I couldn't trust anyone, and I was not happy anymore.
Then he came along. He changed my mind, if only for a minute. Too bad he was in Temecula, and I wasn't looking for something serious. Yesterday, I ended it.
And today, it seems like everyone is just on my case. Mostly with the racial jokes that everyone thinks are SO funny. I'm so fucking sick of them. Seriously. I understand that I'm black. Do you not think I've had to deal with that for the past 6367 days of my life? All of the awkward, pitying glances in my direction? Newsflash: I have. And it gets old. So either stop, or learn how to deal with me not wanting to be in your company anymore.
I realized that I just need some comfort. Someone's shoulder to cry on, someone to hold me when I'm upset, someone to laugh with, just someone to talk to. More than anything. And I find myself missing him more than anything. The way things used to be. Before this mess. Before everyone adopted the mentality of, "Oh, we're seniors now." When it was all about junior year & having fun. I want to have fun again. I NEED to have fun again. I don't think I'll be able to survive the remaining 34 weeks of senior year without it. Without him. Without somebody.

I Promise

I'll blog soon. Things have just been so overwhelming, I can't figure out how to formulate a literary response to them. But I'll do it soon. Pinky swear.

On second thought..

Blogspot is my home. It's timeless, like bootleg jeans & button-down shirts. Even if I post on  Tumblr, I'll still post the same thing here.

So here's what I posted last night:

For Good.

I’m about to stop trying. No, I’m going to stop trying. What’s the point if it’s only becoming a one-way street? Tonight I’m finally done. And I’m going to prove it.
Summer’s over, and it flew by. Working, driving, moving, and sleeping consumed most of my days, but it was enjoyable I guess. People I thought I knew changed, and I think I changed too. Whether or not it’s for the better is completely debatable.
Too tired & nostalgic about him to write anymore. Might feel a little more creative in the morning.

So then it's decided. I love Blogspot too much to leave it alone. Welcome home.