Lost & Found

There are times when I find myself sitting here by myself, wondering how it happened. How did it end up like this? Six mere months ago, I thought I had it all. A wonderful boyfriend, great friends, and a fun-loving attitude? And what do I have to show for it now? None of those things, and a two-month lapse in my blogging (sorry).
Maybe it was the summer. Yes, probably. Will broke up with me about 4 days after school ended. I was indifferent at the time, but I'm starting to feel nostalgic, despite myself. We'll get to that later..
Anyway, we broke up. He was my link to that world. The world that I would not be involved in otherwise. The world that included my "friends" who were there for the good times, and only SOME of the bad. So I stopped seeing most of them. Sure, I still hung out with a few, but as soon as I got another boy, things took a different turn.
When THAT ended--just like the others--my friends chose him over me. It was at that point when I could no longer be supportive & attempt to preserve our friendship. 
It might have also been the moving to Temecula. Yes, I think that's it. At least, that's the reason that both of the "relationships" failed. And when I needed to work for the Little Gym, I practically lived at Corryn's house, making me closer to her & our mutual friends.
Then school starts again, and I feel lonelier than ever. The fact that I live practically alone might also contribute to this, but I just always felt like no one was there for me. I couldn't talk to anyone, I couldn't trust anyone, and I was not happy anymore.
Then he came along. He changed my mind, if only for a minute. Too bad he was in Temecula, and I wasn't looking for something serious. Yesterday, I ended it.
And today, it seems like everyone is just on my case. Mostly with the racial jokes that everyone thinks are SO funny. I'm so fucking sick of them. Seriously. I understand that I'm black. Do you not think I've had to deal with that for the past 6367 days of my life? All of the awkward, pitying glances in my direction? Newsflash: I have. And it gets old. So either stop, or learn how to deal with me not wanting to be in your company anymore.
I realized that I just need some comfort. Someone's shoulder to cry on, someone to hold me when I'm upset, someone to laugh with, just someone to talk to. More than anything. And I find myself missing him more than anything. The way things used to be. Before this mess. Before everyone adopted the mentality of, "Oh, we're seniors now." When it was all about junior year & having fun. I want to have fun again. I NEED to have fun again. I don't think I'll be able to survive the remaining 34 weeks of senior year without it. Without him. Without somebody.