These past 2 weeks have been especially rewarding for me. The only way I can possibly describe my new-found happiness is to explain my reestablished faith in God.
Two weeks ago, I hit an all time low. I couldn't trust anyone, my friends were turning on me, I seemed to be making the wrong decisions everywhere I went. I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong or why everyone wanted to hurt me. Wallowing in my sadness & despair, I went to church with my family. The message that week was about Christ's goal for the Earth. I think that was the first time I really listened in church & let myself relate to the sermon. Mark (the pastor) talked about letting Christ into your life & how He would never let you down if you accept Him as your savior. I didn't think I had anything to lose, so I let the words of the sermon & the lyrics of the songs really touch me. I bawled my eyes out, emptying all my troubles and all my doubts along with the tears. It was the most amazing feeling in the entire world. I think just knowing that SOMEONE was there for me when no one else was helped more than anything. Feeling that love from Him radiate through my body made all my problems seem so much less significant. I realized that there was no reason to be upset with everyone, they were all going to think what they wanted & there was nothing I could do about that. Instead, I had to go along knowing that there was something better ahead of me, that God promised to help me through all my problems if I just let Him in. He was never going to give me any more than I could handle, and if He did, I could count on Him for guidance through the entire situation.
Needless to say, I was saved.
I don't think I've even been happier. I haven't been in a bad mood since then. I know I will always have someone to depend on. AND He promises eternal life. For those of you who don't believe in God, you're honestly missing out. I've always been "Christian," but I've never actually sat down & thought about what that really means. Because, as we all know, I've had my share of indecent experiences. Although it's nothing I should be ashamed about, I'm still a virgin & intend to be for a lonnng time. But now, I can accept the fact that I was just using lust as a cheap imitation for love. Trying to fill the void of a father figure in my life with admiration from boys who never stick around. Now I know that I can count on God for that. His love never fails, He'll never leave you, and that's more than enough for me.
I know this might be annoying to some of you. A lot of you won't believe in any of this, or even get this far in the blog. You'll dismiss it as ridiculous & go about your day. But you should know that this is real. What I've experienced is incredible. Whether you're embarrassed to admit to your friends that you believe, or you just don't believe in general, you really have no idea what you're missing. I haven't experienced happiness like this in a while. I haven't had any inclination to have a boyfriend or to hook up with anyone. I don't even THINK about boys anymore (unbelievable as it may seem). I am a different person now. This isn't just an act I'm putting on. It's not a wall of defense I'm building up. I have truly changed, and I hope my friends & acquaintances will accept and respect this change in me.
"O Israel, put your hope in the Lord, for with the Lord is unfailing love and with him is full redemption." -- Psalms 119:130:7
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