Blank;

I'm not a pretty crier. Not like those girls you see in the movies with the tear rolling gently down their faces. I could never be in a movie like that. When I cry my face turns red, my eyes get puffy, and my lips look raw. To be brief, it's a mess. I was reduced to crying today. It was all jokes and laughs one minute, then the next I completely broke down. And I'm not going to say it was just me overreacting, because it wasn't. Sure, I should be used to it, but so much had happened in that 30 minute time interval that I had to express my self-pitying somehow.

• First off, I'm NOT a whore. I've put up with the jokes & laughed along for a while, but it's not true. So STOP saying it. Honestly, it's the most annoying thing in the entire world. And from the person who's supposed to be my best friend? I can't put up with it anymore. I'm sick of hearing it from you, then repeated by other people who take things too far. If you're going to insist on labeling me with something, I'd be a tease. I do NOTHING resembling that of a whore. I don't sleep around. I don't hook up with people I don't know. I like to kiss. That's not a bad thing, and I'm not sorry for that. So just stop.
• You need to get off your high horse and stop being a bitch. "I have no sympathy for you." I don't give a FUCK if you sympathize for me or not, just be fair. I was there and you know it. You weren't doing anything except talking to him about how irresponsible I am. It would have taken you half of that time to just do what I needed you to do and then we all could have been on our merry way. You are the reason my whole day turned around. It was perfect, then you just came and flipped everything. And you. You think you know all the excuses. "If my daughter came with a legitimate reason, I would have told her to come right in. But she didn't, so I told her the same thing. You had two freaking weeks." What reasons do you consider to be "legitimate?" How about the fact that I JUST got the money to pay for it? The fact that at all the other opportunities I had to pick up the necessary items to come to this very spot and ask you for one simple thing. No, I didn't tell you that when I was there because I didn't WANT your fucking pity. Go ahead and think of me as an irresponsible airhead, but the real reason is I'm too proud to let you look at me the way you would. If I were to tell you the truth and try to talk my way into that office, I could have. But you can spare your empathy. It's not needed here.
• You need to decide what you want. I'm sick of waiting around for you to make a decision and actually act on it. You too. And you. You can't just come to me, pretending like you give a fuck with all your bullshit that I'll eat up & believe right away. Because I know I will. I came from a dysfunctional family with an absent "father" figure. He's an asshole. And every time someone shows me the love and protection my father SHOULD have, I immediately trust them with all my heart. Stop taking advantage of that. Then you. You can't just spoon-feed me whatever you think I want to hear. You can't do something shady then lie when I confront you about it. You look untrustworthy and pathetic. If you did something, own up to it. I'd be upset, but your honesty would alleviate some of my pain. Now I don't know whether or not I can believe you in anything. Who is she? What'd you do? Do you like her? STOP WITH THE LIES. Just please, stop.
• Lastly, you. You've been there for me my entire life. You have no idea how much I love you. If I had to pick a man who'd inspired me to live up to my full potential, it's you. You're the reason I try so hard in everything I do. I strive to make you proud. So the thought of losing you is more than I can bear. I'm crying again just thinking about it. When I got that phone call yesterday I couldn't control myself. I've been walking on eggshells since then, knowing that eventually I would crack. Today just happened to be the time that I decided to get everything off my chest. Please don't go. I don't know what I would do without you.

Throughout all my struggles today, I've had music to keep me company. There's the sad songs, the depressing songs, then the songs that make you want to go punch something. I've encountered every stage. Thanks to Alexander I've been able to expand my musical variety, and a few of these new songs have been added to my "Fuck the World" playlist. Maybe once I've escaped from my wallowing-in-depression state of mind I'll finally be able to listen to those upbeat songs again. Hopefully.
I apologize to Maxwell for using the title of your blog as the title of my post, but that's the perfect description of my mood right now. Blank. I can sit here and feel absolutely nothing towards anyone. Completely detached from all reality. It's riveting and frightening at the same time. I've gone through all the stages: hurt, anger, sadness, confusion, depression. Maybe this is acceptance. I'm not sure. I just hope I can return to my fully emotional state of denial sometime soon.