Reflection;

So I haven't really sat down and blogged in a long time. Probably about 2 months since I actually said anything significant. We might have to break this up into sections: school, friends (new and old), boys, relationships, ex-boyfriends, and just life in general. Well, here it goes...

School: It sucks ass. But it's really only two classes that I cannot tolerate. AP Lang and AP Bio. They're just absolutely god awful. Bio is the tragedy of my even day, but luckily it's over in the first 2 hours of school. Lang, on the other hand, is the evil I have to dread all the way through my odd day. It's like the dark ending of a bleak future. Yeahh, that's how much I hate that class. I want to be a doctor, why the hell do I put myself through all this unnecessary crap all the time? But there are some upsides. Calculus. Best class I've ever taken. People either think I'm insane for taking it or they admire me for my "work ethic," but all the praise is beside the point because I love it. I could honestly sit there in Mr. Fossum's class all day long and have the greatest time. Maybe it's something about being with nerds that are just like me? Perhaps it's the fact that Mr. Fossum knows how to create the perfect combination of seriousness and entertainment? I don't know, and I don't think I would want to. It might ruin all the fun. Nevertheless, AP Calculus is by far my favorite class of every odd day. On even days, it's gotta be 6th period. The period I have off with Chelsea, Molly, Tatum, and Jazmin. Together the 5 of us have some pretty strange adventures :) We always end up in the gym watching the basketball boys practice and analyzing them for their flaws. Talk about a good way to spend time! Thank you, my fantastic four, for making my week bearable.

Friends: What a lovely transition. I've made a few new friends these past few months, but I've also gotten to know some acquaintances and become closer to them. Of course, there were also my best friends that I became even CLOSER with (yes, it's possible), and it's so hard to imagine that in a year and a half we'll all be scattered around the country at different colleges. I can't even fathom how I'll survive without having Chelsea, Michael, Andrew, Molly, or even Madame Schmitz to talk to everyday about my issues. To share inside jokes with me. Just to be there whenever I need a friend. But I guess that's just how life works. You surround yourself with these people, only to move away from them eventually. Sad, but true.

Boys, Relationships, and Ex-Boyfriends: These all needed to be lumped together because there would be a lot of repetition here. So here's the gist of things: boys are idiots. They think they know what they want, but they don't. To generalize, let's create a situation with Oliver, Thomas, and Jonathan.*
Case 1; I dated Oliver for 4 months, and then he broke my heart. Then he didn't talk to me for 2 months, and I got over him. But while I was thinking about how he didn't love me anymore, and FORCING myself to get over him, he apparently wasn't making himself fall out of love with me. So after I got over Oliver, I had a flirtatious few months (Chelsea, say nothing.) and started to really like some new guys. Then Oliver comes back into the picture, saying that he still loves me, and I'm completely torn. Long story short, we date again for about a month & then I break up with him because it's not working out. I see Oliver more as my friend, and not a boyfriend. But whenever we try to hang out, he always gets nostalgic of the past and what we had and why it can't be like that anymore. So now I'm reluctant to see him more often than necessary because I don't like it when he gets all disappointed that I don't love him anymore. He gets like this at the most random, inconvenient times, and I just can't handle it. He's fun to be around otherwise, but when this happens I cannot understand why I'm friends with him.
Case 2; Thomas and I have known each other since the summer before freshman year. We've only hung out a few times, but there's just some kind of chemistry between us that makes me want to tell him everything about myself. All my secrets, everything that makes me tick. And he listens. He's not one of those guys who just sits on the phone saying, "Uhh huh. Really?" after everything you've said. He cares about what I have to tell him and writes it down in a little mental notebook. Needless to say, he's special. But when school started again after Winter Break, I realized how little free time I would have to see him; so I told him that I wanted to be with him, but not right now. He's too perfect for me to risk a relationship with him over some stupid reason like not having enough time. He told me that he'd always have feelings for me, and we kept in touch. But now it seems like he doesn't want anything to do with me. Whenever I try to talk to him, he holds the conversation for about 20 minutes then makes up an excuse to leave, or just doesn't respond. In my opinion, that's not someone who will always have feelings for me...
Case 3; Jonathan is one of the most beautiful guys I've ever laid eyes on. With the most incredible smile. And by some odd coincidence, as soon as he got my phone number he told me that he liked me. Of course, I was guilty of liking him too. So he declared that we were officially "talking." There are times where I just sit and daydream about what a relationship would be like with him, and I honestly don't have any idea. When we text, it's like he's completely devoted to me and he says that I'm the only girl he wants, and all this other stuff, but at school when I see him, it's as if we'd never talked before. He completely ignores me unless I make the first move and come up to him. Quite frankly, I'm sick of doing that. I want him to have the balls to come up to me when I'm with my friends and just talk to me. All my other boyfriends have done it. Even Alex did it. True, that relationship with him only lasted 2 weeks, but still. He was man enough to go for what he wanted. I've come to the conclusion that Jonathan is emotionally unavailable and doesn't know how to go after what he really wants. He always tells me that things will be different the next day, and that he's trying to be a better man for me, but nothing's improving, and I'm honestly starting to lose hope in him.
Another resolve I've come up with is that there are only two ways the end of a relationship can turn out. One, either the girl, the boy, or both end up hating the other. Or two, one of them is still in love with the other one. As Madame Schmitz told me, "Boys and girls cannot be just friends after something more has happened." And that's completely true. For some reason, we always have to make life more complicated for ourselves than it actually has to be. Frustrating, I know.
*Names have been changed.

Just Life in General: Contrary to all the problems and woes I've described so far, life is actually very, VERY good. I love my friends, I love my family, and I love how well everything is working out for me right now. Usually I have one guy that I focus all of my attention and time on, but I have two that are equally meaningless to me; this gives me a lot of time for homework and having fun. I don't know why I didn't realize this sooner. Boys cause nothing but trouble, and I love being able to just avoid them now. Especially when school is such a big part of my life at the moment. Finally got my license, and I'm feeling more and more like an adult everyday. It's weird to think that no matter how many issues you're dealing with, life continues to go on without skipping a beat. It does, and eventually everything reaches a state of peace, so enjoy it while you can. I'm trying to live up every second of it.

Wow. This is where my thoughts and theories come to a dramatic close. Long, but useful. Starting with a clean slate for the next couple of weeks:)

superstars of the month:
Chelsea Parlett
Molly Crawford
Tatum Hathaway
Jazmin Grajales
Andrew Walton
Michael Perryman
Brendan Terrell
Mommy Terrell
Madame Schmitz
Maxwell Oglevee
Cody Schmitz

quote of the month:
"We are not provided with wisdom, we must discover it for ourselves, after a journey through the wilderness which no one can take for us, an effort which no one can spare us, for our wisdom is the point of view from which we come last to regard the world."