somehow, all monday nights

Seem to turn out so terribly. And yes, I am aware that this is my fourth post of the day. I just have a lot on my mind right now, and I need to make a generalization:
Whoever invented hookups needs to make a rule book that goes along with them. Because all this back and forth "he said-she said" shit is so annoying. If you're allowed to be with more than one person at a time, that needs to be stated. Because me, being the old-fashioned girl I am, I think that it's not right to be with two different people. And those of you who thrive on spreading rumors? It's frustrating. And they hurt and cause a lot of confusion that shouldn't otherwise be there.
And you. Yes, you. I know that you're a flirt. I realized that when we would talk & when you had a girlfriend. It was pretty obvious that you couldn't just stay satisfied with one person for very long. And I knew that ahead of time. But when I heard about your Halloween exploits and rumors of what might have happened, I pretended like it didn't hurt me. But it DID. More than anything. It was like someone just came up to me, slapped me in the face, and then walked away like everything was fine. I don't want to feel this way about you. Being so attached without really being attached scares the hell out of me. It's sad though, because you act like you want nothing to do with me. Which is another problem. I don't think I can deal with someone who only notices me when it's convenient for them. When they want something from me. When they want to plan our next rendezvous. I can't handle it. I want to tell everyone what happened between us. But I can't. Because you're too good of friends and you don't wanna mess that up. I get it. And I was concerned at first. But I got over it because I think that's what I really wanted. When you told me that you would consider something when I was single, no matter when that was, it made me think that maybe you were serious about this. But now it seems like you're taking other things farther than you want to take this. Giving her things to keep, only coming to see me in the middle of the night. Blatantly flirting with her, only talking to me when no one else is around. I don't want that. And I don't think I can handle this anymore until you realize that this isn't what I pictured when I thought of us happening. And I can pretend to be okay with it, and who knows? Maybe someday I actually WILL be okay with it. But no matter what I show on the outside, entirely different things are happening in my head that I just want to scream out. I won't change anything for now, but I will have more self-control when it comes to you because I want you to prove to me that this is what you want. And until then, I don't know what we're gonna do.

song of the hour:
"Brown Eyes" by Lady Gaga